Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Huzbend's Amazing Burgers

Over the weekend, my husband made some amazing burgers! He totally took charge of this meal, and as odd as some of his instructions were, I have to say they were the best burgers I've ever had. Recipe as follows:

  • 1 lb ground beef 80/20
  • 1 strip bacon (frozen)
  • Salt/Pepper
  • 1 onion
  • Yellow mustard
  • American Cheese singles

  • Sliced tomatoes
  • Iceberg lettuce leaves
  • Wife's Special Sauce:
    • Ketchup
    • Miracle Whip
    • Dill pickles
  • puffy buns

According to my husband, the hamburger patty is the key - its gotta break apart nice and easily. Get some of the 80/20 butcher beef that has been processed. It looks like long strands pushed through a play-doh squeezer. Break it apart into small pieces into a bowl. Grab your frozen strip of bacon and dice it very fine. Sprinkle the bacon, some salt and pepper into the meat. Lightly mix with your hands. No need to smash the hell out of it (his words, not mine...but it's true) to get it mixed perfectly, you'll end up with tough burgers. Grab about a quarter of the meat, and lightly form the burgers into something slightly resembling a burger. Something about the size of the bun would make sense. Parchment works great to put down a patty and then stack them on top of each other. Toss them in the fridge for a few minutes while you get the rest of the goods prepared.

Cut the onion in half, then slice the halves into thin strips. Heat up a pan with some vegetable oil and cook the onions slowly until caramelized. I sprinkled some salt and pepper on them when I first threw them in, eh, it's an option. Now, while you have these going, get that grill heating up. Ok, back to onions...when they are caramelized, pour on some mustard...it was probably a tablespoon, but I can't tell for sure since I rarely measure anything. Mix the mustard into the soft and oh-so-gooey onions, then remove the pan from heat and let it sit. This part sounded seriously bizarre to me, but it turns out so damn good! You just gotta try it, if it sucks, then don't ever do it again, but please try it once! I think you'll dig it.

Grill the burgers however you can, gas grill, charcoal, home grill pan, Altoids box grill**, whatever. Flap those patties on the grill, they may look like they'll fall apart, and probably will fall apart if you have some weak grillin skills. Who cares though, American Cheese singles are a great burger glue. Cook them burgers until its done...I guess that all depends on how big your burgers are, and how you like them. You're a big boy and or girl, you know when its done! Throw some cheese on about a minute before that last part... or at that last part...whatever that part is for you.

While you're doing your badass grill-thang, husband says to "Have that wife from the second part of the recipe make you some sauce with the extras, and have her grab your puffy buns...hehe." Ok, so let's break down the "wife sauce*." To make "wife sauce," throw a couple of tablespoons or "scoops," as I like to call them, into a small bowl. Add enough ketchup to make it pink when you mix it around. Dice up a dill pickle spear, and mix that in to. Hazzah, you have "wife sauce."

Now, the grand finale...open up your puffy bun, add a good scoop of "wife sauce" to both sides. Place your burger on the "bottom" half Add some sauteed onions on top of the burger, then a piece of lettuce, then a slice of tomato, and boo-ya! You now have the most bomb-ass burger ever.

Now eat dammit, eat - what'r ya waiting for?

*Wife Sauce - this goes back to a dressing that my mom used to make for our salads. She mixed miracle whip and ketchup, and sometimes add some hot sauce! I found that it's a great dressing for burgers, artichokes, and pretty much anything. I add the diced pickles for burgers because I like that you get little pickle bits throughout instead of eating the pickle all at once.

**Altoids grill, maybe only for sliders...see more here.


  1. The Altoids grill is fabulous!! And I always mix mayo with ketchup to dress up my burgers..mmmmm

    We tried oatmeal burgers once..but I wasn't a very big fan of that and sometimes I like steak sauce...but I can't see ANYTHING wrong with putting a little bacon in..mmmm that's a good idea ;)

    And well...bacon just reminds me of one of Stephen's fav Simpsons quotes:

    Homer: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Lisa, honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
    Lisa: No.
    Homer: Ham?
    Lisa: No.
    Homer: Pork chops?
    Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
    Homer: [Chuckles] Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, maaagical animal.

  2. OMG Lily - as I was reading this quote to Alan, he finished it for me about half-way through. Miss you guys!!!

  3. can you mail some burgers to nyc for me plz?